


Nothing Gold Can Stay

by sebastian2017



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Angst, Eggsy-centric, M/M, Not A Fix-It, and the merwin is really only implied as a future thing, the merlahad is in the past, the whole thing is mostly gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-21 00:23:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4807850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sebastian2017/pseuds/sebastian2017
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eggsy reflects on having lost Harry. Merlin is there to pick up his broken pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing Gold Can Stay

**Author's Note:**

> "Nature’s first green is gold,  
> Her hardest hue to hold.  
> Her early leaf’s a flower;  
> But only so an hour.  
> Then leaf subsides to leaf.  
> So Eden sank to grief,  
> So dawn goes down to day.  
> Nothing gold can stay. "  
> \- Robert Frost

The first few days back from the mission weren't so bad. The adrenaline was still on high from fighting against Gazelle and from killing Valentine, so Eggsy was wonderfully numb from the world. Merlin and Roxy had spent every moment of those first few days looking at him with pity and concern, but Eggsy hadn't even noticed. He'd been on top of the world. They very world that he'd just saved, as he'd kept reminding himself those first few days. He'd hardly slept a wink the first three days, too busy helping Merlin with Kingman and checking up on his mum and sister. Most of those three days he'd spent grinning like a fucking loon because he'd just saved the bloody fucking world and the high of that wasn't one that dispersed quickly.

It hit him, truly hit him, when Merlin forced him to go home and get some proper rest. Eggsy doesn't want to go back to the estate, doesn't want to stay in the quarters at HQ, and Merlin hadn't yet arranged the house he's entitled to as an agent. Before he'd even properly thought it over, Eggsy was at Harry's house, taken there entirely against his will by his exhaustion and the grief and sorrow he'd pushed deep, deep inside himself. When he walked in, all he could think of was of his last time here. Of his last confrontation with Harry. Of all the yelling and disappointment.

Of Harry.

Harry's who's dead. Harry who was killed by Richmond fucking Valentine who had deserved a much slower, much more painful death than the one he'd gotten with a sharpened prosthetic in his gut. Harry who's body had been lost amidst the chaos of V-Day. Harry who had been the only good thing in Eggsy's life for ages. The best thing. Harry who was gone forever. 

The house is so overwhelmingly Harry. It's too much for Eggsy to handle and he regretted coming here, but he couldn't will himself to leave now. He crumpled down against the living room door frame and sobbed. He'd finally come down from his post-mission high, brought back by the cruel reminder that Harry's dead.  It hurts far worse than Eggsy thought possible and he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, trying to will the sharp ache in his chest away. By the time he stopped sobbing, he'd been crouched in the living room door frame for hours. His bum hurt from the floor, his legs hurt from being drawn up to his chest, his throat was raw from the tears, and his eyes were puffed up beyond belief.

It's nothing compared to the pain of losing Harry.

Eggsy hauled himself up from the floor, weak, tired, and heart broken. Wearily, he made his way up to the stairs and into Harry's bedroom. He can practically hear Harry scolding him - 'Eggsy, gentlemen do not go snooping about in other's bedrooms without permission' - but he doesn't care. This is the closest to Harry he has. He stripped down to his boxers and crawled into the bed, tugging the duvet tightly around himself. The smell of the blanket was enough to send him into another wave of sobs. There was a hint of something distinctly not Harry about the smell, but it was overpowered by the familiar smell of gunpowder and brandy and aftershave that Eggsy had come to associate with Harry. It's a wonderful, wonderful smell to be wrapped up in and the thought that it will soon fade away is too much for Eggsy to handle.

He sobbed until eventually, he's sobbed himself to sleep.

\-----

When Eggsy next woke, it was nearly a full twenty-four hours later. Eggsy tried to be concerned, but he'd been awake for a ridiculous amount of time before and he'd probably needed all that rest. And his sleep schedule was the last of his concerns.

Most of the scent on the blankets had faded away as he'd slept, Eggsy was heartbroken to realize. He'd have himself another cry, but it felt like he was all out of tears. Eggsy settled for just curling up in a ball under the blankets and taking a few minutes to think back to sitting in Harry's office and watching him die. He felt that gut wrenching sorrow in his heart again and Eggsy had to force himself to uncurl from the blankets and get up. He needed to eat and who knows when he would have gotten around to that if he'd started crying?

He got up out of bed, not bothering to redress, and trudged downstairs. He felt weighed down by grief and he wanted nothing more than to go back upstairs and curl up in Harry's blanket again. But Harry wouldn't have wanted him to waste away and Eggsy refused to let Harry down. (Even if Harry would never know.)

He heard something in the kitchen just as he's about to round the corner to go inside and he froze. He wished he'd grabbed his gun or at least gotten dressed again, since it would be incredibly hard to take himself seriously if he's in nothing but his boxers, but he can't go back upstairs now. Not when there's an apparent intruder in Harry's home. He rounds the corner, ready to fight and comes face to face with Merlin.

Eggsy suddenly found himself really, really wishing that he would have put on some trousers.

"Ah, Eggsy. Finally awake, eh?" Merlin asked, stepping around him and going to the living room with a mug of tea. Eggsy followed wordlessly. "I managed to get some hours off shortly after I ordered you out of HQ. Imagine my surprise when I come home and find a half-naked Eggsy asleep on my bed." Merlin chuckled warmly, but Eggsy still felt his heart drop.

He could now identify the Not-Harry scent up in Harry's bed and it all felt quite obvious now. It had been the tea and sweater smell that always followed Merlin around. Eggsy felt stupid now for not realizing that Harry and Merlin were an item. It's obvious now that he thought about it... Merlin had seldom left Harry's side when he'd been in his coma. Whenever Harry wasn't on duty or with him, Eggsy was sure to find him at Merlin's office. Both their eyes would light up when talking about the other. There had always been a comfortable, cozy familiarity between Harry and Merlin, but Eggsy had always written it off as a close friendship. Apparently, he'd been wrong. 

Eggsy followed Merlin to the living room, stuttering and floundering as he tried to think of a way to properly apologize. "Oh, fuck. Merlin... I'm so sorry." 

"It's all right, lad. I'm not upset with you. Mostly, I'm just please that you've finally come down from your post-mission adrenaline. The longer you're up there, the worse the crash is. And you needed your rest. I got a good few hours in the guest bedroom." Merlin assured him, leaning back on the couch and sipping on his tea.

"No, it's not fuckin' all right." Eggsy shook his head, falling back into a chair. "I didn't know. Wouldn't 'ave stayed over if I'd known, Mer, I swear. I wouldn't 'ave, fuck, wouldn't 'ave slept in his... your bed. Fuck."

"Eggsy." Merlin says in a stern voice. That's all Eggsy needs to shut up and stop his apologizing. He's fucked up enough as it and he doesn't want to do more to possibly upset Merlin.

Eggsy sighed. His shoulders drooped and he avoided looking up at the other. "So... You an’ 'arry, huh? I guess I probably shoulda figured it out on my own." he mumbled. He'd wanted to be properly dressed from the moment he'd come downstairs and saw Merlin, but the regret over not wearing trousers only grew the longer he thought about how he'd slept in a dead man's bed while said dead man's boyfriend (husband? Eggsy doesn't know and is too embarrassed to ask) had been forced into the guest bedroom.

"Don't worry about that right now, lad. Look at you. You're all bruised and have managed to still look tired after a full day of sleep." Merlin was obviously aiming for light and teasing, but instead showed every ounce of concern he's obviously feeling.

Eggsy remained quiet for a few minutes. What a situation to be in. Half-naked in a living room with his dead mentor's lover after having spent the earlier night in their bed. It was only made worse by the spark of jealousy in Eggsy's chest as he thought of Harry and Merlin. Of course he'd fancied Harry. Who wouldn't fancy Harry? But there was no point of it now. Harry was dead. And if he was heartbroken at the thought of his crush being dead, he can't even begin to imagine what Merlin must feel like. He felt another wave of guilt hit him. He shouldn't have been sad. He hadn't lost even a fraction as much as some others. Still...

"I miss 'im." Eggsy spoke up once the silence had become overbearing. It was a murmur, quiet enough to miss if one hadn't been listening. Merlin, however, _had_ been listening.

He nodded. "Aye. I miss him too, lad..." Merlin agreed. He gestured for Eggsy to come sit next to him on the couch and Eggsy doesn't have the will to say no.

"Sorry 'bout sleeping in your bed. It jus'... It was the closest I could get to him..." Eggsy mumbled, staring down at his lap even while seated next to Merlin on the couch.

"It's all right, Eggsy." Merlin assured him for what must have been the millionth time. "I think you needed it more than I did, lad. And Harry wouldn't have minded. He was terribly fond of you, you know? Whenever he met up with you, he'd come back home and it'd all be 'my boy' this and 'my boy' that."

And just like that, Eggsy was crying again. He pulled his knees up to his chest and started crying. "Fuck. It ain't fuckin' fair." he sobbed. Merlin wrapped an arm around his shoulders and Eggsy couln't help but lean up against him for the comfort. "I can never have nothin' good, fuckin' can I? Had my Da as a kid. The fuckin' Kingsman comes along an' he died. Had gymnastics. Then that was too fuckin' expensive. Had my Mum. An' then Dean bloody Baker happened. An' now... Harry bleedin' Hrt, the best thing that's ever 'appened to me an' Richmond. Fucking. Valentine had to 'appen. It's not fair. It ain't fuckin' fair." He was wailing then, sobbing into Merlin's shoulders and under normal circumstances, he'd be embarrassed. But everything hurts too much to be worried about stupid things like shame and embarrassment.

Merlin's grip on him tightened and he rubbed Eggsy's arm gently, aiming to soothe him as best as he could under the circumstances. "I know, lad... I know." he mumbled. "Nothing to do now but move on. That's what Harry would want. To keep moving forward."

It's true. Eggsy knows that much. But it doesn't make it any easier. The pain is still overwhelming, but now he could just barely make out a future without Harry Hart. One where he moved on and made a life of himself as an agent. It's not the life he would have chosen and Eggsy still can't bear the thought of leaving the house and facing a world without Harry Hart, but now that he had Merlin's arm wrapped around him and holding him close while he cried... well, perhaps he could start envisioning a future where things can turn out _okay._

**Author's Note:**

> I sort of don't like how suddenly this story wrapped up but whenever I tried to write more to it, it just felt forced and drawn out. So I left it at that. Ended suddenly on purpose for... idk artistic reasons xD In my heart, btw, what happens after the end is that Merlin and Eggsy become a thing, Harry winds up still being a live, and Merhartwin happens lmao so if you want angst, read until the end and leave it at that. If you want to pretend things wound up better than okay, go with the director's cut version lol  
> For any questions, prompts, or anything at all: my personal tumblr is dilestrade and my Kingsman/rp blog is unwins-boy 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
